Worthy
by GrandiloquentHeartlessness
Summary: "Even if he wanted to explain, he wouldn't have the words. How can he explain to Jude that he's been sitting in his room for the last two hours feeling like something is trying to claw its way out of his chest?" When things get to be too much, Tommy calls Jude. Set mid-season 4, during the time Tommy is in New Brunswick.


**A/N: **Oh hey. Long time no see. Here, have this thing that I wrote instead of the four papers I was supposed to write this week! This is set mid-season 4. Just before My Hometown.

* * *

><p>Jude is woken at half past 2 AM by the sound of her phone ringing. She answers it, murmuring a groggy "hello?"<p>

"Jude?" Tommy's voice sounds shaky on the other end of the phone. "Hey. Did I wake you up?"

"Mhmm." she's still half-asleep.

"God, I'm sorry. Forget it. Go back to sleep."

As she begins to wake up for real, she registers that he sounds off. "No, wait. It's okay. What's up?"

"Nothing, it's nothing, I just… I needed to hear your voice."

His voice cracks a little, and that sends up major red flags for Jude, who sits up in bed. "What's going on? Is everything okay with your mom?"

"Yeah, yeah." He clears his throat. "Everything is fine. I don't even know why I called."

"You can talk to me." she reminds him gently. "I need you to talk to me."

Even if he wanted to explain, though, he wouldn't have the words. How can he explain that he's been sitting in his room for the last two hours feeling like something is trying to claw its way out of his chest? He can't tell Jude that his mom threw a plate at dinner and it snapped him back for a moment to being a terrified seven-year-old. He's 25 now, and he's been bigger than her since he left home at 12. She hasn't hurt him physically since he was maybe 10 or 11, and she couldn't now if she tried. The fact that he's afraid of her, that her screaming at him can still send him into a panic attack, doesn't make sense anymore. Plus, when she's lucid, she's civil, even sometimes kind. It's really just like when he was younger, where things were only bad when she drank, except now he can't predict it. She's sick and she's not in control of what she does and says, so he can't even be angry at her. He's disgusted with himself for being so weak. Sometimes to fill this hole he drinks until he falls asleep, but tonight that just seemed like it would be validating everything his mom said about him being worthless. He found himself thinking of Jude, who has long been one of the only people who seems to truly believe in him, and he thought maybe hearing her voice might make it so he could breathe again.

"Tommy?" Jude asks. "Are you still there?"

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just miss you."

She's not stupid, she knows it's more than that, but for once in her life she doesn't pry. "I miss you too." There's another long silence, so she asks, "really, are you okay?"

There's a while before he answers. "It's been hard."

"I wish I was there." she says quietly. "I wish I could be there for you."

"Jude, _no."_ he says adamantly. "We've had this conversation."

She sighs. It's probably best not to have this fight again right now. "Fine. Maybe I wish you were here, then."

"Yeah." he sighs. "I wish that too. You have no idea."

"Do you know how much longer?"

"A while. I don't know. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. You're doing it for your family. You're a good son."

He laughs once, hard and sharp. "Yeah, right."

"Hey!" she protests. "You are. You dropped everything to go back and care for her even though she–"

He interrupts. "She's my mom, I didn't have a choice. That doesn't make me–"

"Of course you had a choice. You could have hired someone to take care of her when your brother left."

"That's not how we do things around here, Jude! It's not that simple!"

"I know." her voice is gentle. "I understand. But what I'm saying is, not everyone would do what you're doing, especially with the way she treats you."

"How would you know how she treats me?" he snaps.

She forces herself not to get angry, saying drily, "Maybe years of you refusing to tell me anything have turned me into a great detective."

Now he feels guilty for the way he treats Jude. She deserves better than him. "I'm sorry." he says quietly. "I guess I'm a terrible boyfriend too."

"Whoa, wait, no. That's not what I was saying at all. Sure, there are things you do that drive me crazy… This is where you say 'back at you, Harrison.'"

That actually gets a laugh from him. "Back at you, Harrison."

"But it's okay, because I love you."

He sighs again. "Why? I don't deserve that." his voice is almost inaudibly quiet.

"Don't say that. You're so talented, Tommy. I can't even begin to explain how incredible it's been to work with you. And you're so strong. You've overcome so much, and done so many amazing things… And you care so much about people, even when you pretend like you don't. Me, and Kwest, and your family… Even Darius. You have such a big heart. You are a good person. You really, really are. And I love you so much for all of that." she feels tears pricking her eyes, so clears her throat and makes a joke to lighten the mood. "You're also reasonably good-looking."

He laughs. _"Reasonably?_ Oh, you'll pay for that one, Harrison."

"Bring it, Little Tommy Q." she laughs too, then grows quiet again. "But I'm serious, Tommy. I love you, okay? I need you to believe you're worthy of that."

"I'm… trying."

"That's all I ask." her words are lost in a huge yawn.

He smiles. "I should probably let you sleep, huh?"

"You're one to talk. Isn't it an hour later there?"

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep. But I'm sorry for waking you."

"It's fine. I don't mind."

_"You _don't mind being woken up?" he jokes, knowing from experience how irritable a just-woken Jude usually is.

"Yeah, I must really miss you." she murmurs, laying back in bed, putting the phone on speaker by her head.

"I miss you too. I'll be home before you know it, okay?"

"Can you stay on the line until I fall asleep?"

"Sure." He wonders if she asked because she sensed that he needs it, but knows he'd never ask. He gets in bed and lays down too, listening to the faint sound of her breathing through the phone, imagining he's there with her. After a few minutes, he whispers, "I love you, Jude. Thank you."


End file.
